Imagine the Great Gentile Thinkers Had Ketubot

Plato would reveal his sacred duties in his Ketubah in dialogue form, with the conversation between Socrates and Glaucon revealing his obligations and duties.

Aristotle’s Ketubah would argue that Plato’s Ketubah was completely wrong because it could never actually be enforced in the real world. His Ketubah would be based on more arithmetic logic.

The Great Stoic Seneca’s Ketubah would argue that since we’re all going to die anyway, we may as well follow our duties outlined in the Ketubah.

Spinoza… wait, is he classified as a Goy Thinker or as a Jew Thinker?

John Stuart Mill’s Ketubah would argue that we should voluntarily choose to be bound by the agreement of the Ketubah; if we do not agree with its provisions, we shouldn’t get married!

Niccolo Machiavelli’s would say all the right things but then, upon signing, be promptly ignored. Except in form, where everyone would pretend to follow it.

Kant’s Ketubah would reduce all of of the requirements to one imperative — the most extreme form of the Ketubah regulations themselves.

Nietzsche, in his Ketubah, would list his obligations by arguing how powerful he is — that ├╝bermensch he is! (did someone say mensch?) and, from that would argue for his responsibilities. Half of his Ketubah would be in the form of pithy aphorisms.

Freud’s Ketubah would argue… oh wait he’s a Jew. Oops. I wonder if his Ketubah is on file somewhere with some religious authority in Austria. Hmph.

Roger Waters’ Ketubah would argue that since we are all doomed we ought to live life to the day and focus on our goals, thus ignoring all of those who steer us away from the light of the Ketubah. And if anyone dares question Roger Waters’ place amongst the greatest list of thinkers, then you can take it up with me personally and directly and I will convince you he deserves to be here:

The above list does not reflect the opinions of This Is Not a Ketubah nor any members of our Ketubah Collective. Rather, they reflect the opinions of only one man who is passionate about Ketubot, Morgan, who has gone approximately three days without sleeping.

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